


i'm awake again

by lonelybones52



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Blood clot, Caring Changbin, Chan is alone in his studio with a bloody nose, Chan needs a hug, Changbin is a sweet heart, Choking, Chronic Insomnia, Clingy, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, I Am Not era, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Illness, Insomnia, M/M, My First Fanfic, Not Beta Read, Overworked, Overworked Chan, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Pre-I Am Not release, Self-Doubt, Sick Chan, Sick Character, Sickfic, bloody nose, lonely, needy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 03:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20075347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelybones52/pseuds/lonelybones52
Summary: Chan is alone in his studio working on the finishing touches to I am Not. Suddenly he has an aggressive bloody nose that forces him to reach out to a fellow bandmate.OrChan has been overworking himself for months and his exhausted body is finally catching up with him.-





	i'm awake again

**Author's Note:**

> hello!  
this is my first time writing anything like this, so please be kind. constructive criticisms are always welcome. Also, looking to make friends with fellow STAYS!  


It started as a heavy dull ache between his shoulder blades, then behind his eyelids, and in the joints of his fingers. The aching was bearable - just persistent and annoying. Chan sat alone in the small studio provided to him by JYP Entertainment where he had been working from early in the morning until late into the night in preparation for Stray Kid’s official debut. The final setlist for I am Not was in its final stages of getting approved for release, and while Chan was excited to share his music with the world, he was completely exhausted. 

From long before the survival show and continuing into the present, it feels as though Chan has been endlessly producing, writing lyrics, and participating in copious amounts of dance practices that feel pointless as much of the choreo they are practicing will never be viewed by the public eye. 

So again, yes, Chan is unbelievably excited for Stay Kid’s official debut, he’s just running on fumes. Surviving on barely five hours of sleep a night for the past who knows how many months is finally beginning to take its toll. 

More recently, Chan has been suffering from aggressive nose bleeds that are starting to get harder and harder to hide from his members. Chan didn’t think much of them as he has been stressed and figured they would just pass at some point. 

He realized he had been staring blankly at his computer screen for some time now. The mixing program on his screen felt as though it was staring back at him mockingly. He was trying to put the finishing touches on the upcoming album’s intro for the past few days now. Chan feels his chest constrict painfully as he begins to feel sorry for himself. Self-doubt has always been something he struggled with, but as debut seems to be running toward him, his negative thoughts grow with the shrinking number of days. 

Chan brings his legs up to his chest in his computer chair and can feel his joints strain with the movement, how long has he been sitting alone in his studio? Chan reaches to his overturned phone which read 3:44 AM. No notifications. His heart constricts once again and he places his phone into his pocket, maybe his members don’t care where he is? Why would they, he’s never at the dorms anymore. 

The air conditioning kicks on and Chan feels a cold chill run up his spine, causing his skin to grow itchy goosebumps. Late nights like these, all alone, they feel like they’re getting harder and harder. Chan feels so alone and although embaressing to admit, severely touch-starved. 

That's when he feels a familiar tickle at the back of his throat and instinctively he reaches to pinch his nose and tilts his head back. Chan coughs as blood trickles down the back of his throat into his stomach. The taste of iron makes his stomach churn. This is his third bloody nose this week. 

Chan carefully crawls out of his computer chair and blindly searches his dark studio for the box of tissues that are normally sitting on his coffee table next to the couch. Chan continues to search blindly but to no avail. He must have gone through all of his tissues from past nose bleeds. Feeling defeated Chan sits on the cold hardwood floor of the studio and begins removing his black t-shirt to use as a make-shift handkerchief. His skin crawls as the cold air touches his exposed flesh. He must look a mess. Half-naked, heavy purple eye-bags, pallid-sickly skin tone, and blood gushing out his nose. Lovely. 

Chan coughs again while holding his t-shirt against his nose. The blood doesn’t seem to be slowing and that makes his heart race anxiously. Deep down he knows panicking isn't going to do anything to help stop the blood from gushing out of his face but he can't help it. Feeling himself start to choke on a long blood clot that found its way half down his throat and stomach, Chan tries to reach for the small trash can under his desk. When his stiff fingers find the basket he pulls it into his lap and removes the t-shirt from his nose. 

Feeling himself choke again he coughs in the direction of the trash can. Chan feels the blood clot move further back into his throat. He feels sick and anxious and he pathetically wishes he wasn’t alone right now. An angry tear falls from his tired eyes and he makes no effort to wipe it from his cheekbone. 

Lately, Chan has been pretty low in iron what with all his nose bleeds in the past few weeks and not eating properly. So this being his third nose bleed this week he is finding it hard to sit up properly. His toes feel tingly and his vision is getting darker even while looking into only darkness. Is he gonna faint? 

“Fuck, please don’t let someone find me like this-” he whispered to himself. Chan really doesn’t want to worry his members, everyone is already so tired and he doesn’t want to be a burden, but if someone from the company found him pale and unconscious on the floor of his studio in the morning their debut would likely be postponed, he couldn't do that to his members after all their hard work. 

His heart rate picks up again and he feels more blood trickling down his lip and into the trash can positioned strategically in his lap. More tears threaten to fall from his eyes again and he tries so damn hard not to let them break free from the rims of his eyelids. Chan’s hands move to fish his cellphone from his pocket. He ponders for a moment on who he should bother to ask for help. Chan presses his thumb against the home button of his phone and quickly clicks to scroll through his contacts, the light from his phone straining his eyes. 

Changbin or Jisung would be awake, maybe? He tries Jisung first but the call goes directly to voicemail. Jisung had probably let his phone die (or maybe he doesn’t want to deal with you). With a shaky breath, he tries to call Changbin. After two rings groggy Changbin answers softly.

“Hyung? Hey, what’s up? It’s not like you to call so late, it’s nearly 4 AM.” Changbin sounds tired. Chan feels guilty waking up the boy, but he can’t take it back now and Chan is starting to feel his consciousness begins to fade again. 

“H-hey, sorry for calling so late” Chan tries not to cough as he finishes. "Please don't freak out, but I’m really not feeling well. I’m sitting on the floor of my studio with a pretty heavy nose bleed. I just wanted to call so someone from the company wouldn't find me first.” Chan ends bluntly.

“What do you mean? Find you? Are you okay?” Changbin’s response sounds more urgent now and Chan can hear rustling in the background which he assumes is Changbin rushing to put his shoes on. 

Chan gives up trying to hide the severity of the situation he's currently in and continues to explain, “I’m worried I might faint, I really don’t feel good and I’ve been choking on a blood clot for what feels like five minutes now.” Chan trails off as his stomach turns painfully. “Can you please...can you come to my studio. I’m really sorry, I’m just nervous and feel alone and my nose won’t stop-”

“Okay, okay don’t worry Hyung" Changbin quickly interrupts, "I’m already on my way. I’ll be there in just about five minutes. Can you hang on till then? I even have the spare key with me somewhere. It’ll be okay Hyung, I’m almost there.” Changbin sounds frantic. 

Chan could feel himself relax a little bit knowing Changbin is coming and slumps back to lean against the edge of the coffee table, adjusting the t-shirt to his nose. The spaces between his fingers feel like they’re lightly cracking as dried blood flakes off of them. His nose bleed has slowed significantly since calling Changbin, but he can’t shake off a feeling of dizziness and anxiety. His heartbeat won’t slow down and he’s thankful Changbin will be here soon. Chan really just needs someone to cling to for a few hours, he needs physical contact or something, he feels so fucking pathetic. 

Chan had been listening haphazardly to Changbin over the phone, but the conversation only sounded like a bunch of rushed gibberish. Chan only responds with a collection of soft, dying hums which subsequently worried Changbin further, he felt guilty but it was really all he could manage at the moment.

Chan must have closed his eyes at some point because they struggle to open as he heard quiet drumming of fingers against the outside of his studio door. "Hyung?" Changbin quietly tried before entering the small studio. He quickly rushed to crouch next to Chan’s cold, half-naked form. Chan felt clammy under Changbin’s touch, his sweat-moistened hair curling around the back of his neck. Changbin could feel the older shiver ceaselessly. 

Changbin stood up and moved to the dimmers next to the studio entrance, he moved the dial to a comfortable weak setting to avoid disturbing Chan too much. Changbin was unsure of the extent of Chan's illness. Illness? Should he call it that? Now that Changbin could see a little better he searched the room for the air conditioner remote. He needed to turn it off, Chan’s shivering made him nervous. When Changbin’s searching seemed fruitless he decided to return to Chan’s side.

“I’m sorry Hyung, I can’t reach the air conditioner and I can’t find the remote.” Changbin began to remove his light jacket and placed it over Chan’s frail-looking shoulders. “Let’s move you to the couch for the night, yeah?” Changbin tried to keep a cheery tone, but Chan could still hear the worry behind his voice. Thankfully his bloody nose had stopped and moving was a little easier without blood gushing out of his face.

“I’m really sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me...I think I just got myself worked-up and panicked a little bit” Chan said as Changbin scooped him up to lay on the couch. Changbin tried to get Chan to relax by rubbing his knuckles deeply into his leader's painfully tight shoulder blades, carefully kneading-out the knots. Chan kept muttering apologetic words and they were coming out faster than Changbin could keep up. Changbin tried shushing him, telling him everything was okay and there was nothing to be sorry about, but Chan continued his mutterings. Changbin was beginning to worry that the blood loss was making him delirious. Changbin stood briefly to walk over to Chan’s desk where he found a used water bottle. He poured some of the room temperature liquid onto a blood-free portion of Chan’s t-shirt and began wiping off the dried and crusted blood from Chan’s face, chest, and fingers. Chan felt so small like this, had he lost weight again? Seeing his strong leader so sick made something in his chest pull painfully. Why hadn't he noticed how bad things had gotten. Changbin felt guilt swell deep within himself but he tried not to think about it too much at the moment. Chan needed him. 

When Changbin finished cleaning up Chan's previously bloodied form as best as he could, he zipped up the jacket he had put on Chan’s shivering frame. Chan’s hand twitched and he reached for Changbin’s hand, squeezing tightly. 

“Hey, um, do you mind laying with more for a little bit? Just until I fall asleep?” Chan whispered, ears red and his face heating up embarrassingly. He felt so stupid for being so weak in front of Changbin. Chan knew Changbin wouldn't think anything less of him after this, but it still didn't sit right with him.

“Of course,” Changbin made quick work readjusting Chan to make room for himself on the couch, pulling Chan’s aching head to rest on Changbin’s chest. “You know it’s always okay to lean on us, the members I mean. We see you working for days at a time with little to no breaks in between. We’re all worried but didn’t want to seem like we were intruding. We noticed you looking sickly recently, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I didnt realize how bad things had gotten. Sometimes it's hard for me to bring up things like this...stuff that is difficult to talk about I guess. I don’t really know what I’m saying. Just...promise me. Promise me you’ll ask for help when you need it? We’re in this together, right? And I want you to be able to lean on us.” Changbin’s thoughts rushed out all at once leaving little room for him to breathe between words. Chan could hear Changbin's heart racing due to his ear being pressed firmly against Changbin's chest.

Chan was thankful, Changbin really always seemed to say what he needed to hear most.  
“I know I can lean on you guys, I’m thankful to have met you all. I just want everything to be perfect. I don't want to let you guys down, we've all worked so hard to get here and if sacrificing some sleep helps get us to where we need to be-" Chan cut himself off "I-I’ve been waiting for the guys I’d meet that would debut with me. I’m really lucky that it was you eight. I really am so thankful…” Chan let out a deep breath that he didn't realize he was holding “I promise to try and reach out more when I’m struggling, sometimes it's hard for me to recognize when I'm overdoing it. So I guess feel free to call me out when you think I'm doing too much" Chan laughed quietly, trying to lighten the mood. "Thank you for coming to my rescue tonight. I feel a lot better.” Changbin squeezed Chan’s frame tighter against his own body.

“Let’s get some rest tomorrow while we can before our debut promotions, okay? I’ll help you with whatever tracks need finalizing after that.” While Chan was uncomfortable with the idea of leaving the intro alone for an entire twenty-four hours, he hummed in agreement. Chan needed to rest so he could be the leader his members needed him to be.

“We’ll talk in the morning Hyung, get some rest.” Changbin moved the tips of his fingers to gently glide over the back of Chan's neck in a soothing effort, then switching to run his fingers through Chan's curly. Chan gave up fighting against his closing eyelids and snuggled closer into Changbin’s chest as if that were possible, they were already so close. Changbin’s body heat helped to combat Chan’s shivering form as well as the toxic inter-dialogue of Chan’s previously restless mind.


End file.
